Charleslee
08-21-2014, 07:55 PM
Some truly distasteful humor:
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,
like: "I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I'm your sister."
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but
N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I
spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I
spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me
enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes
fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I
don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my
son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean
to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from
my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife
was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was
robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had
raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I
can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at
your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught
me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches
all the way
to the back of her sister's throat!"
was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back
door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get
offers like that every day.
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of
jail. I was locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a
party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10
your instincts kick in.
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or
going. "I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're
going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome
Kid trying to whistle!"
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into
some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or
what?
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think
about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too
quickly" wasn't the right answer
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor
orphans. I said, "Fuck that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and ET? ET
looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim
benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,
like: "I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I'm your sister."
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but
N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I
spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I
spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me
enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes
fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I
don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my
son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean
to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from
my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife
was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was
robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had
raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I
can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at
your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught
me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches
all the way
to the back of her sister's throat!"
was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back
door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get
offers like that every day.
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of
jail. I was locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a
party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10
your instincts kick in.
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or
going. "I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're
going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome
Kid trying to whistle!"
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into
some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or
what?
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think
about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too
quickly" wasn't the right answer
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor
orphans. I said, "Fuck that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and ET? ET
looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim
benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!