Beer and the Wheel
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our
early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just
stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa.
These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the
Conservative movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was
an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the
Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as
girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of chickens, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine
or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels
than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community
organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and
invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and
generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies
hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth
of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers
and to just piss-off more liberals.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going
to grab a few beers and BBQ some buffalo steaks!
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